I Had No Friends – So I Turned To A Dating App

Roughly six months ago, I finally took the plunge and followed my dreams across the river and moved to New York City. Although I have been working in the city almost three years now, my group of friends (acquaintances) was almost non-existance. High School friends either stayed local or moved cross country and between 10 hour work days and two-hour commutes, time certainly didn’t permit for extensive friend search parties. Everyone I met was always a one-night bar crawl type of friend who loves to text back “we should hang out again soon!” never to make concrete plans. Well, I have had enough and desperate times call for desperate measures.

On October 22nd, I joined Bumble BFF. You may be more familiar with Bumble as a dating app where women make the first move – a concept I was never really behind but luckily I’ve been in a loving relationship for four years now and don’t have to worry about openers, or so I thought. The whole idea of choosing your friends feels a bit deranged. When looking for suitable partners, of course, it’s easy to choose based on looks. I know I like brown hair and won’t settle for someone with poor dental hygiene but would that matter in a friend? I wouldn’t be kissing my friend so who cares if her teeth aren’t perfectly straight or white, right?

Before I began exercising my thumbs, a profile upgrade was in order. Anxiety washed over me. Women are far more judgmental than men so the pictures I choose really have to tell a story. Do I emphasize my love of frozen margaritas or do I underline the importance of culture? Disclaimer: throughout my time on the app, I adjusted my photos and bio multiple times. Here’s my current profile.

I opted for pictures that showed my interest in fashion.. and alcohol since I can never pass up a good cocktail. I also connected my Instagram for easy stalking and Spotify for music comparability. While I love all music, a girl who can get down to Korean rap as much as Migos is okay in my book.

Now for the swiping. I blindly began skimming through girls in my area. I set my preferences of age for 23-28 since I’d love to find girls my age because, well, relatability? I quickly realized a common thread among the majority of the profiles – brunch, wine, soulcycle, and the Bachelor. No hate towards any of those but how can I pick between 10 profiles who are basically the same person. I knew I had to dive deeper, find meaning in their pictures, harness my inner Nicholas Cage in National Treasure.

Profiles with solely bikini pics and snapchat filter edited photos i.e. puppy ears were a quick swipe left. That is not my personality and I know we wouldn’t mesh well in person. I tended to always swipe right on profiles with careers similar to mine since we would have common ground to talk about. In terms of looks, I have to say my choices surprised me. 80% of my matches looked exactly like me. Who knew I loved myself so much? But it’s true – who better to get along with than yourself? That doesn’t mean every girl was a 5’11 blonde-haired, blue-eyed polish girl but a majority of the time they were Caucasian, with natural-looking makeup, trendy clothing with a well thought out bio.

In the beginning, my matches were quite frequent because I spent a good deal of time on the app. Unfortunately, the more matches I had, the worse the conversations were. Let’s be honest, it’s awkward finding friends through an app, there’s no doubt about that, but what’s even more awkward is trying to pick up a girl to hang out with you.. on an app. What do you even say, hi? How original. Every conversation would start the same – “hey, hi, how are you, great, where are you from, how long have you been in the city, where do you live, cool” – like clockwork.

Eventually, I got fed up with one-liners and struggling to think of openers to catch the other person’s attention so I changed my bio to be direct and it worked! Girls started messaging me their numbers and we made plans to meet up before even sharing any information about ourselves. This is what worked, this method made me two new friends.

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Date One: Victoria

We went to the Polynesian, a bar I had been DYING to go to. These “dates” were the perfect excuse to try out new bars and restaurants that had been on my radar. Disclaimer: drinks at this place are very overpriced but definitely delicious! Victoria works at Conde Nast so we definitely had things to talk about work-wise. The conversation was great but I wasn’t sure we would ever hang out again. Before parting ways, we made indefinite plans to hang out again but I thought of it as a polite goodbye rather than a genuine attempt at friendship. Roughly two weeks went by with no communication until I received a text asking to hang out again. I was definitely caught off guard and nicely surprised. Since then, we have hung out twice and even text every now and then. 

Date Two: Mallory

Mallory and I really hit it off. We went to Fonda which was cozy and quaint, almost romantic which made us laugh. She too works in public relations so our work experiences were extremely similar giving us a great topic to start out with. We ended up chatting for hours about work, music, hobbies, family, relationships and just about everything. For the first time, I felt as though I found someone I could truly see myself becoming close with. When ordering drinks, we even ordered the same thing without consulting each other – Love me a spicy margarita sister! She even offered to pay for half my uber ride since my apartment was a bit away from the restaurant. I would have never expected that from friends I’ve had for years, let alone someone I met three hours prior. Before parting ways, we made concrete plans to hang out again – and sure enough, we did! 

What I learned: Making friends is hard. Really hard. Just like dating, it may take a few people for you to find someone you really get along with. I was naive to think friends would simply find me. Life isn’t a scripted movie and as much as we’d like to think best friends just happen, sometimes they don’t. In fact, for most people they don’t. I was ashamed for not having many friends and decided to do something about it. My initial perception of the app was that it would be filled with girls who are a bit shy and maybe struggle to fit in but I was completely wrong. There are people just like you looking for friends either because they moved or their friends moved or they simply don’t have the time to put themselves out there. The internet is a beautiful thing. Put yourself out there because only good can come out of it.

Trust me.

A Refinery29 Style Diary: A Day in Beauty PR

Today I will take you through a busy day in my life working at a Beauty Public Relations agency in New York City.

Spoiler Alert: it’s not a lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Name: Nicole – Occupation: Associate Account Executive (AAE) – Location: 45th ST. NY, NY Work Day: 10AM-6PM

5:05AM I wake up to the worst sound in the world; my alarm. It’s still dark af outside. A notification pops up on my phone: “Get your ass to gym”. I fall out of bed and manage to put on workout leggings.

5:20AM I walk into the gym and immediately want to walk out. I chug overly concentrated pre-workout and head for the treadmill. Then the elliptical. I go over to the free weights. I pick things up and put them down.

6:40AM I stand under boiling hot water in the shower for too long.

7:10AM *obnoxious rattling* I down a protein shake out of my blender bottle because “gains”. I use vanilla protein with almond milk. For an extra kick in the morning and for a little extra flavor, I add in a teaspoon of instant coffee. I fry up some egg whites and my favorite Morning Star meatless spicy sausage patties.

7:50AM I sit in a freezing car waiting for my wind shield to defrost.

8:06AM I board the (what I only imagine hell feels like), train. NjTransit, if you’re reading this, I hate you.

8:55AM I transfer trains at Secaucus.

9:22AM I take the subway to Bryant Park.

9:50AM I sit down at my desk.

10:00AM I scan for placements online. We use a tool called Cision which notifies you based on key words when a client has been featured on a publication site or magazine. I find three new placements for one client and two for another. I send an email with write ups on the placements including UVPM, links and images to clients. I input the new placements into our Rolling Report, a fluid excel document that holds all placements to-date. This report is sent to the client at the end of the month for review.

11:00AM I have a call with a client. I print out the agenda I created the day before and dial in.

11:30AM I recap the call in a word document and send back to the client with any additional feedback or information discussed on the call.

12:00PM Print publications have been folding left and right and editors are getting laid off. Every month we send magazine editors the newest launch from our brands. I comb through our list and delete all the editors out of work. I’m left with 24 editors. I print labels and start assembling gift bags. Each gift bag receives a product, press release, note and business card.

1:00PM Lunch arrives. Every Thursday we have an agency wide catered lunch. This week is Indian, my favorite. We sit at a long table in the middle of the office discussing any difficulties teams have been having with clients, products etc. We brainstorm a few solutions while everyone finishes their curry. Someone mentions a funny story about an old intern and it kicks off a chain of funny stories about the old agency owner.

2:00PM I begin scouting makeup artists for this month’s seeding. I collect information such as Instagram followers, email and agent representation in a word document template. The very specific format takes a long time and I end up taking a break.

2:50PM An old client needs their inventory sent back. I pack up the skincare products and any old collateral. We have our own shipping station so I play UPS woman for a while.

3:40PM I take a stab at some pitching, regional to be exact. Regional or mid-lead refers to magazines specific to a regional such as the AMNY(New York) or DMagazine(Dallas). I send a blast and respond to some reactive emails from the pitch.

4:00PM I run downstairs for coffee. We are lucky because we have 3 Starbucks locations within two blocks, a Pret A Manger IN THE BUILDING and a Gregory’s Coffee a block away. Options, people.

4:30PM Two more placements come through. I send the write-ups to the client and update the Rolling Report.

4:45PM I can’t find a hi-res image of a product in our shared drive folders. I decide to reorganize all product images by name, date and category because i’m crazy. And maybe a little bit of an over achiever.

5:30PM I am spearheading an Influencer program at the agency so I am slowly updating contacts in our influencer media list. Every day we receive requests from bloggers to be added to our media list. Once added, these bloggers receive pitches and are eligible to receive samples to try, review and write about. There are roughly 2,000+ contacts in this list. Slowly but surely we’ll get there.

5:40PM My team regroups for an EOD meeting. We discuss any outstanding work and what needs to be prioritized for tomorrow.

6:01PM I head for the subway to Penn Station, take a connecting train to Secaucus and board the Bergen County local train.

7:50PM We arrive in my town. I sit in a freezing car waiting for my wind shield to defrost and drive home.

8:00PM I’m home. I eat dinner and watch television with my mom until 10:30PM. I need to move out ASAP.

11:00PM I scroll through my Instagram feed in bed liking images or girls in bikinis and think about how much the gym will suck tomorrow morning.

11:30PM Lights out. Do it all again.